by Linda Lawless MA
Setting goals that mobilize your values is the first step to creating your unique dance of life, personal freedom and success in all areas of your life.
If you doubt this statement, here’s some eye opening facts about goals:
♦ 23% of the population has NO idea what they want from life and as a result they flout through life aimlessly at the mercy of their environment.
♦ 67% has a general idea of what they want but don’t have any plans on how to get it.
♦ 10% of the population has specific well-defined goals, but even then, 7 out of 10 of those people reach their goals only 50% of the time.
♦ The top 3% of the people in the study achieved their goals 89% of the time.
So what makes the difference between the 3% who achieve their goals and the others? They found that all of the possible variables, the only difference between the top performers and the rest was that the top 3% WROTE DOWN THEIR GOALS.
About Goals
If you're not (1) where you want to be in life, (2) doing what you want to do, and (3) earning your true potential, you probably need to take a look at the way you've set your goals. You may be aiming for goals that are not in your best interest. Shakespeare said it well:
We, ignorant of ourselves,
Beg often our own harms, which the wise powers
Deny us for our own good; so find we profit
By losing of our prayers. Anthony and Cleopatra (II.i.5-8)
Stating the obvious, when you know where you're going, getting there is a whole lot easier. A set of goals is a road map helping you to set the course for where you’re going. When there are choices to be made or a fork in the road, you have a criterion for choosing the correct path. But, if you have chosen goals that are not congruent with your inner values, or are goals of avoidance, i.e., don’t have any more bad relationships, your map may be taking you places you are not happy with or simply steer you around places, and not to places.
So before you begin to identify and work on your goals, get them right. Remember goals are different than dreams. Your goals should be in the service of your dreams.
SMART Goals
Many people think of goals in vague terms - to be happier, to have more money, or to have more leisure time. Goals are much more concrete, SMART goals are:
Specific
Meaningful
Actionable
Realistic
Time oriented
Would I know your goal if I read it in your diary, or would I need further explanation from you about what it is? If you need to explain it to me, then it is not clearly enough stated. Your goal, as well as the action steps to reach your goal, must be so clearly described; any stranger would know what it is and how to implement it.
State each goal as if it is completed in measurable terms with a completion date: "My world cruise leaves San Francisco October 10 at 9 a.m. on _____"
Now that you have your goal, clearly stated, consider how it will impact all seven arenas of your life - Body - Mind - Emotions - Spirit - Relationships – Career/Works - Service
How does this goal fit into your overall life plan - does it increase balance or create imbalance?
Each goal should have a target date. The benefits of target dates for reaching goals are:
1. Dates alert your body chemistry to react to the timetable you've set
2. Deadlines help you to think, act and react with urgency
3. End dates create a personal challenge
4. Deadlines keep you on schedule
Goal Measures/Secrets
Not all goals are created equal. They may be SMART, but there are other measures for goals:
1 – Goal Orientation – This refers to the concept of approach and avoidance. Are you moving towards something or away from something?
Rooth, an older woman who lived alone, wanted to secure her future by living somewhere where she would have people who cared for her and could help her. She was avoiding her fear and insecurity around aging and moved to the town where her brother and sister lived. This location was far away from the town where she had spent the last 20 years and had numerous friends. She moved into a small house she thought would be easier to maintain but felt “closed-up.”
What she discovered was that her family worked and had little time for her. She spent most of her time alone watching television, and she missed her friends terribly. She discovered that she did not feel very secure and became bitter about her family not making more time to be with her. She noticed they came to see her when she was sick and found herself getting sick more often than she had before she moved.
She finally decided to face her fears and envisioned her life living someplace near the water with a view, near her friends. She would keep in touch with her family and make trips to see them and ask them to visit her when they had free weekends.
As you can see, Rooth was moving away from something rather than moving toward something that called to her. The away from, or avoidant, orientation is a negative way of looking at the world, and hints that the environment is hostile or harmful in some way. Beware of what you avoid, your mind actually jumps over the negative (will not) declarative and gives you what you want to avoid. I “will not” eat chocolate is a great way to create a craving for the stuff.
2 – Goal Content – Some goals are better than others. Goals related to intimacy, spirituality and generativity lead more to happiness while goals related to power do not.
Research has shown us that trying to convince others that you are more powerful, smarter or better than others, healthy people, leads to dissatisfaction. There is always someone who is more (fill in the blank) _____________.
3 – Goal Motivation – Success in not necessarily what we want, but why we want it.
When you look at your goals, are you motivated internally or being pulled by something external? Do you want that beautiful home because it has always been your dream, or to prove you are successful to your neighbors? You can have the same goal and have very different motivators. Again, research shows that internal motivated goals are associated with feelings of subjective well-being while outer or extrinsic motivators frequently are accompanied with anxiety and stress,
4 – Goal Conflicts –Goals that conflict with one another
If you have goals that are tied to your personal values they can still sometimes be at odds with one another. You sometimes see this conflict in professional women who value being a good mother, and also value excelling in their profession. This kind of situation calls for some creativity in allying the goals. This mother could put some energy into creating a child-care center at her place of work, allowing both goals to be served.
5 – Goal Anxiety – The more invested someone is in reaching their goal, the more likely they are to succeed, and the more they are likely to worry that they will fail. Work around this issue by having both short and long term goals so you can enjoy the moment of goal completion while continuing to move toward the “big hairy” goal of your dreams.
6 - Positive thinking, or mental yoga, is required if you are looking the glass half full instead of help empty.
As you work toward your goals, take credit for your successes, relish your achievements, accept the fact that you are not perfect and learn from your mistakes. Moving forward is more important than doing the “right” thing. If you wait for the perfect goals or the perfect next step, you may never begin the dance.
7 – Trauma Triggers
Sometimes events happen life that make a mark on our psyche. These can be conscious and unconscious and be triggered by anything that has any resemblance to the historical event. Here’s an example:
When Suzie was 13 her parents divorced. She went with her mother who had to get a job, having never worked a day in her life. Mom started selling Avon products as an entrepreneur and now was away from home a lot of hours. Suzie felt like she not only lost her Dad, but she also lost her mother to her new business. Fast forward 20 years. Suzie has a safe job working 9-5 and wants to make more money creating her own business as an entrepreneur. She does all the right things, visioning, checking values etc., and yet every time she thinks about her goal she gets anxious and can’t take any kind of action.
Upon reflection she remembers how she felt when she was 13, alone again at home, and notices it reflects the feelings she has today.
Now a mini-goal is to learn how to soothe that 13 year old inside of her when she feels anxious about being an entrepreneur. There are many approaches, and this mini-goal must be met before the larger goal can proceed effectively or she may find herself sabotaging herself so that 13 year old can feel safe.
The Goal Drill
OK, you have your goal AND YOU JUST DON’T MAKE IT HAPPEN. It’s now time to start at the beginning again and work your way through the following steps to fine tune your goal:
1 – Is the goal congruent with your values?
Is there a value conflict?
2 – Is the goal stated in SMART terms?
3 – Is the goal stated in the present tense?
4 – What is the goal orientation? Are you moving toward something or away from something?
5 – Is your goal externally motivated or internally motivated? Is it to make someone else happy or impressed or is it to make you happy?
6 – Is the goal in conflict with another goal? How can this conflict be resolved with a win/win solution?
7 – Do you have a lot of anxiety around reaching your goal? If you do, reflect on the anxiety and how you can lessen it, and create mini-goals in the service of the larger goal that are less anxiety provoking.
8 – Do you believe you have to be right and never make a mistake? You’ll never make anything if you don’t make a mistake so just get started, anywhere.
9 – Does the goal touch some kind of trauma trigger? If yes, meditate on it, clarify it, and if necessary get professional help.
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
Any major life change upsets the status quo, may require letting go of something/someone, and can bring up fears. If there is something you need to leave behind you can either do it consciously and well, or not. There are some who need to make the present so horrible they have to leave eventually. Examples are the teenager who has to get into some kind of terrible argument with their parents to leave home, the spouse or partner who makes the relationship so toxic they have to leave or the partner leaves, you know the style. You can choose which style works for you.
Sharing Your Goals
If you’re afraid of someone’s criticism about any goal, be careful about sharing your goal with others. The ideal situation with new goals is that you are SO confident about the “rightness” of your goal that other’s criticism is an opportunity to gather information, not an obstacle to your progress.
Opportunity
Let’s say you’ve just told someone about your goal of buying a large boat to live on, even though you have NEVER had experience with a large boat. You’re sure it is the right solution for you, and you tell others. One of them looks at you, as you’ve lost leave of your mind, and says something like “You’re going to do WHAT?” You answer, “Buy a large boat to live on.” Now is the time to move to information gathering, ask questions like:
You seem surprised, what’s going through your mind?
Do you know anyone else who has purchased a large boat?
What would you do if you just decided to buy a yacht?
You never know where ideas will come from. I actually went through this experience. I categorized people into two camps. There were those who would help me, and those who weren’t onboard, so to speak. Taking it one step at a time, I actually reached my goal in three years and it started with someone saying, “Yes, I have a friend that lives on his boat. Would you like to meet him?”
Obstacle
Now you just told someone about your boat goal, their response is “Are you serious? This question feeds into fears of not being taken seriously and goal momentum can be lost.
News flash “YOU CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY,” and that’s OK. In fact it’s not your job to make everyone happy, it’s their job. Whenever you find yourself going tilt in the face of goal criticism, simply revisit your goal, check it out with the steps above, and if you emerge with a YES, I’m keeping this goal, the next time someone criticizes, and you do your information gathering, the next step is to simply say Thank You for your concern, and move on.
Goals and the Law of Focused Interest
Once you begin forming goals, you set in motion the law of focused interest, a law that draws resources to you seemingly from nowhere. This law works because you are receptive and value your goals. You are picking up information that was always there; you simply were not aware of it because your attention was not activated. Suddenly, you begin to see articles and books relating to your goals, you hear relevant conversations, meet new people, and find new ways of doing the same activities. Once you focus on an area, you attune yourself in a way, like a television, so that you become fully receptive to information of concern to you and your goals.
Perseverance Furthers
The achievement of your goals and the acquisition of what you want rests on your willingness to persist in your efforts. Daily practices such as meditation on your goals, affirmations and daily planning are the most productive and successful activities you have in your Goal Toolbox. Look past obstacles, believe in yourself, cultivate your sense of humor, and remember to keep moving.
Acknowledge small successes in the attainment of your goals, each step is important and worthy of celebration.
Believe in yourself. Obstacles will arise. Learn from them and move on.